Hello, my name is Tara and I am a nicotine addict. I smoke a pack a day and I disgust myself. Not because of the fact that I smoke but because I have allowed myself become a slave to tobacco.
I'm one of those smokers that has to check her pockets before she leaves the house - I can't go anywhere without my asthma inhaler in one pocket and my cigarettes and lighter in the other.
I've been farting about with quitting since even before I met my husband and yet here I am 20 years later, writing this post. Pathetic huh? I'm not getting any younger either,and the asthma is certainly not getting any better with twenty eight years of toxins being pumped into my lungs twenty times a day.
Honestly I wish the bloody things were illegal, just so the ability to buy them was taken away from me. That my feeble weak willed efforts to say STOP wasn't all I had to rely on. Hey, I'd even consider begging the other half to lock me in the house for a few weeks until I got it out of my system. I really, really am that desperate.
I don't even remember a life before smokes, they were my constant companion from the age of 17. They were there when I had a broken heart, job interviews, every moment of stress and/or elation I have experienced has been accompanied by a cigarette. But not because they were my friend...Oh no, they were my tormentor, my captor, my master.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying every smoker is the same. Some people have no problem "Social Smoking" ie having a smoke only when they go out for a drink. or maybe one or two a week or something like that. Others might smoke a pack a day or more, and still be able to turn round and stop it tomorrow. This is not a witch hunt to drag out all the smokers in the world and shame them and call them silly.
This is entirely about my feelings about my own smoking. I hate me for doing it, I hate me for HAVING to do it, for not having a choice, for being too pathetic to exercise that free will that supposedly God gave me.
So today I am going to try to change all that. Today I am taking control (I hope :D )
Wish me luck, I don't want to be a slave anymore.