I'm one of those smokers that has to check her pockets before she leaves the house - I can't go anywhere without my asthma inhaler in one pocket and my cigarettes and lighter in the other.
I've been farting about with quitting since even before I met my husband and yet here I am 20 years later, writing this post. Pathetic huh? I'm not getting any younger either,and the asthma is certainly not getting any better with twenty eight years of toxins being pumped into my lungs twenty times a day.
Honestly I wish the bloody things were illegal, just so the ability to buy them was taken away from me. That my feeble weak willed efforts to say STOP wasn't all I had to rely on. Hey, I'd even consider begging the other half to lock me in the house for a few weeks until I got it out of my system. I really, really am that desperate.
I don't even remember a life before smokes, they were my constant companion from the age of 17. They were there when I had a broken heart, job interviews, every moment of stress and/or elation I have experienced has been accompanied by a cigarette. But not because they were my friend...Oh no, they were my tormentor, my captor, my master.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying every smoker is the same. Some people have no problem "Social Smoking" ie having a smoke only when they go out for a drink. or maybe one or two a week or something like that. Others might smoke a pack a day or more, and still be able to turn round and stop it tomorrow. This is not a witch hunt to drag out all the smokers in the world and shame them and call them silly.
This is entirely about my feelings about my own smoking. I hate me for doing it, I hate me for HAVING to do it, for not having a choice, for being too pathetic to exercise that free will that supposedly God gave me.
So today I am going to try to change all that. Today I am taking control (I hope :D )
Wish me luck, I don't want to be a slave anymore.
Hey Tara, good luck! I hope you kick the addiction over time! Do you know what makes you want to smoke? Or when do you usually smoke? Will patches help you?
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Pao.
DeleteEverything makes me want to smoke... When I get up in the morning I want a cigarette. When I am uptight, when I relax. When I get mad. When I have a coffee, when I write...everything. For me the trigger is simply being. Yes, I'm going to use patches for a couple of weeks, not even so much for the nicotine, but I'll be glad of that too, but because in the past if I have ever had as much as a puff of a cigarette while wearing a patch, it makes me want to vomit, so that in itself should be a deterrent.
I'm hoping that if I do this publicly, I will shame myself into keeping away from the sneaky puff...the one that always sucks me right back in
Wow. Hmm, maybe you could device different...activities to go with everything else? :) But hey, don't be ashamed of it. It happens in one way or another to everyone. Yeah, the vomiting should deter you. Nicotine poisoning doesn't sound very fun! All the best :)
DeleteThanks again. Fingers crossed that I can do it this time.
DeleteA woman I know once said, "she has and is in a relationship with smoking and tobacco." I did not quite understand it at first, but I can understand it when you read through a life's journey such as yours... Saying good-bye to an enduring and old friend is never easy, particularly since that "friend" is so much a part of your daily routines and processes... I wish you much success in saying good-bye and moving from the comfort of this relationship and into the new, fresh and healthy relationship that is at hand...
ReplyDeleteYou will be in My thoughts and prayers as you try to change your life in this addiction to tobacco Tara...
Thanks so much for the kind words and prayers, Joseph. It really would be great to feel free finally.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has an addiction of some sort, some are easier to hide than others, some are easier to kick.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for deciding to do something you want to do. My mother kicked a 20-year smoking habit 30 years ago. Alistair Cross (if you know him from Fbook) has been tobacco free for 5 months and it had been a life-long habit like yours.
I can't offer any pearls of wisdom as I have never smoked a cig. All I can do is give you a (hug) and say you have my support. And to say, I hope you can do what you want to do!
And no matter what! I love ya :)
Aw thanks Thianna. That's really sweet, and I love you too. The support from everyone is a motivator in itself.
DeleteI'm behind you, Tara! I think if you want this bad enough, and it sounds like you do, you will be able to kick it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Casey. I hope you're right. 'Cause right this minute I'd kill for one. :D
DeleteBoth of my parents used to smoke and both kicked it - eventually. My in-laws the same - it was easier for some than others.
ReplyDeleteI want to say I love Joseph's reply up there - he takes this habit which is considered a bad one and turns it around and almost looks upon it kindly. I love the old friend analogy and I wonder if you can look at it like that if it will be easier to let go. One thing I know we lack is the ability to be kind to ourselves and that's what we need - unlimited and unconditional kindness toward ourselves.
The word disgust in relation to you doesn't fit, Tara. Lose it from your thoughts, it can only damage. Go slowly and if today you smoke 19 and not 20, celebrate and be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself.
Thanks so much Natasha, you're a sweetie as usual. But disgust really is what I feel when I cave in, because I feel weak and I hate that. One day I will kick it and then all self loathing can go up in smoke :D.
DeleteI agree with you on Joseph's reply, it was brilliant, for a nicotine addict, cigarettes have this ability into conning you that they are your friend - they are there with you for everything... But really dependence is not friendship. Friendship is equal, not captor and slave.
Good luck, Tara!
ReplyDeleteThanks Cara
Delete