The effect of children on your sex life

So the labour pains have started. And as you’re pacing up and down, then bent over double and roaring, do you think how this moment is going to change the face of your sex life? Do you feck! You don’t care – because you’re never letting the bastard near you again with that thing. He can keep it zipped. Or chop it off. Whatever.

Then the memory fades, and the hormones are coming back to normal, and you fancy a bit of the old slap and tickle. You haven’t slept properly for months, between the discomfort of late pregnancy and then the night feeds. You’re not sure if you can muster up the energy but you kinda have that itch that must be scratched. You finally summons up the enthusiasm and the back massage or body rub or whatever is really hitting the spot. That secret spot between your legs is alive. Your body is tingling. You’re in the zone, relishing the forgotten feeling. 



Then WAAAAAAAHHHHH. Junior is jealous that daddy is getting the boobies and he wants his share. That’s it. Game over!

Sound familiar?

Well don’t worry. Soon junior sleeps through the night, and even in the meantime, the parents perfect the art of the quickie. You grab your nookie when you can. Or you learn to have slow lazy sex without making the bed move, never mind the earth, when junior has finally dropped off to sleep, in your bed. You do get your sex life back. And to the point that you have forgotten it so much that you repeat the entire procedure, once, twice or several times more as all those little romps hit home.

Then the baby stage is over. This is the real honeymoon period. Many young children tend to sleep like logs for extended periods at night and you get your space, energy and privacy back. Make hay while the sun shines folks. Don’t put it off on the grounds that you’re too tired. Take it every time you can, enjoy it. Make noise at it. Use every available room in the house.  

Because IT DOESN’T LAST.

CHILDREN GROW UP. 

It seems like the blink of an eye. These darling innocent angels aren’t so innocent anymore. THEY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING, and they don’t like it. In fact it becomes their life mission to prevent hanky panky. And you can definitely forget about the spanky.They stay up later and later. They sleep more lightly. They snoop around in your bedroom and find things they shouldn’t.  

Late at night, midnight or after, you think it’s safe. You’ve been gagging for it for days. You decide to risk it. Very, very quietly you sneak up the stairs. Make sure all the doors are shut. Get ready for bed on tippy toe, grinning at one another, putting your fingers to your lips, reminding both yourself and your partner to be quiet as a mouse and not ruin it. You choke back the giggle that wants to escape your lips because you think you are getting the better of the kids…you’re pulling the wool over their eyes. Avoiding all the creaky floorboards, getting onto the bed as softly as you can to ensure it doesn’t squeak or creak. Lie on your side for a nice long, lingering, silent sideways fuck. Yes! Yes! It’s in. You cover your mouth to muffle any sounds that might escape your lips and each thrust is slow and careful so no tell tale bouncy sounds come from the bed. It’s going swimmingly. It feels soooooo gooooooood. Silence is key and that almost adds to the pleasure.

Thump Thump Thump. Flaming footsteps. The bathroom light goes on. You pray that they will just use the loo and go straight back to bed. You emulate snoring sounds. Dammit. The bloody door opens…

“I heard a noise,” comes a little voice.

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

All I can say is thank God that when they are old enough to be at that, they are old enough for sleepovers. :D

I would love to hear how others get around this.