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Friday 2 May 2014

The effect of children on your sex life

So the labour pains have started. And as you’re pacing up and down, then bent over double and roaring, do you think how this moment is going to change the face of your sex life? Do you feck! You don’t care – because you’re never letting the bastard near you again with that thing. He can keep it zipped. Or chop it off. Whatever.
Then the memory fades, and the hormones are coming back to normal, and you fancy a bit of the old slap and tickle. You haven’t slept properly for months, between the discomfort of late pregnancy and then the night feeds. You’re not sure if you can muster up the energy but you kinda have that itch that must be scratched. You finally summons up the enthusiasm and the back massage or body rub or whatever is really hitting the spot. That secret spot between your legs is alive. Your body is tingling. You’re in the zone, relishing the forgotten feeling. 

Then WAAAAAAAHHHHH. Junior is jealous that daddy is getting the boobies and he wants his share. That’s it. Game over!

Sound familiar?

Well don’t worry. Soon junior sleeps through the night, and even in the meantime, the parents perfect the art of the quickie. You grab your nookie when you can. Or you learn to have slow lazy sex without making the bed move, never mind the earth, when junior has finally dropped off to sleep, in your bed. You do get your sex life back. And to the point that you have forgotten it so much that you repeat the entire procedure, once, twice or several times more as all those little romps hit home.
Then the baby stage is over. This is the real honeymoon period. Many young children tend to sleep like logs for extended periods at night and you get your space, energy and privacy back. Make hay while the sun shines folks. Don’t put it off on the grounds that you’re too tired. Take it every time you can, enjoy it. Make noise at it. Use every available room in the house.  



It seems like the blink of an eye. These darling innocent angels aren’t so innocent anymore. THEY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING, and they don’t like it. In fact it becomes their life mission to prevent hanky panky. And you can definitely forget about the spanky.They stay up later and later. They sleep more lightly. They snoop around in your bedroom and find things they shouldn’t.  

Late at night, midnight or after, you think it’s safe. You’ve been gagging for it for days. You decide to risk it. Very, very quietly you sneak up the stairs. Make sure all the doors are shut. Get ready for bed on tippy toe, grinning at one another, putting your fingers to your lips, reminding both yourself and your partner to be quiet as a mouse and not ruin it. You choke back the giggle that wants to escape your lips because you think you are getting the better of the kids…you’re pulling the wool over their eyes. Avoiding all the creaky floorboards, getting onto the bed as softly as you can to ensure it doesn’t squeak or creak. Lie on your side for a nice long, lingering, silent sideways fuck. Yes! Yes! It’s in. You cover your mouth to muffle any sounds that might escape your lips and each thrust is slow and careful so no tell tale bouncy sounds come from the bed. It’s going swimmingly. It feels soooooo gooooooood. Silence is key and that almost adds to the pleasure.

Thump Thump Thump. Flaming footsteps. The bathroom light goes on. You pray that they will just use the loo and go straight back to bed. You emulate snoring sounds. Dammit. The bloody door opens…
“I heard a noise,” comes a little voice.


All I can say is thank God that when they are old enough to be at that, they are old enough for sleepovers. :D

I would love to hear how others get around this. 


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  2. My God, we are living the same damn life!! Our kids started walking in on us in their teen years and then having the audacity to be appalled at the spectacle before them. Really? They still do sex education at school, right? We put a lock on the door. Then one year near my birthday, my son decided to open an Amazon box that had been delivered, with my daughter and a friend at the house observing. To their shock, it was my new Rabbit that Daddy had gotten me for my birthday! When I came home to scowling, disgusted looks and they said, "Look what we found in the Amazon box." I didn't have time to filter my comments, I yelled, "Oh, look my birthday present!" They were not pleased. Another night both the kids had left for parties (yay) we ran upstairs for some fun like we were 15 and unbeknownst to me, the husband had locked the door. So while we were have a lazy, languid sexcapade, my poor daughter was stuck sitting in the car waiting for us to "finish". Recently, we had planned a fun night planned (based upon previous requests for everyone to leave for parties) of spank and tickle with paint paddles, only to find out that one of them had their plans thwarted. At that point we didn't even care, they are in their 20s, if they don't like it they can leave. That is the point we are at now. We went ahead with it and I am sure the sounds of a paddle being applied to my bottom was heard throughout the house, along with the laughing and giggling.

    So, let me tell you that if your kids are in college forever--like mine apparently are going to be--you will hit a point where you don't care. I think of it as the mother Robin who finally says, "Ya know what, you damn kids are big enough to leave the nest!" and she kicks the birds out to fly. The part we don't see, is she did it so Mr. Robin can finally fit back in the nest where he belongs and they have room to do what they want again!!!

    Awesome post Tara! Loved it!

    1. Megan,

      I am totally dying laughing at the thought of the kids opening your parcel, and with a visitor in the house too. I hope they learned that they should never open mail not addressed to them. :D

      I love that you have come to the point where the kids can like it or lump it, or leave. Roll on another ten years.

  3. lol - oh yes, our eldest is passing the sleep like a log stage and turning into an insomniac. We go to bed, get ready and then we hear the light switch in the bathroom, put everything away and sit in bed reading instead. At the moment, the toy box hasn't a lock on it, that might have to change, but we have put a bolt on the door. I would love to see a baby sitting service that takes your kids out for the evening and leaves you at home, alone :)

    1. Now that's an idea Jaye - I'd happily pay for someone to pick up the kids, and take them off for a few hours. LOL I could put an advert on the community notice of our local supermarket...
      Wanted - responsible adult to collect, entertain and return children while the sex starved parents get their kink on.

  4. I am dying laughing over here. See? I need to have crazy afternoon sex before I decide to get pregnant.
    You're also making me think I should start looking into boarding schools now.

    1. LOL Casey, you need to have crazy afternoon to remind you NOT to get pregnant because once you do, that crazy afternoon sex becomes a dim and distant memory.

      Boarding schools certainly have their plus points.....

  5. It doesn't even comfort me to know we're in the same boat. I remember when they were babies. You could even just turn their little bouncy chair around and have sex, with noise even and they didn't know any better. We almost just went into the bathroom for a quickie but no, the older one knows...and is VERY curious.

    As for spanking, when it's midnight and you're finally fairly sure they won't come out again, you're too exhausted for anything but sleep!

    You did make me giggle though. "I heard a noise..." :)

    1. LOL Natasha, you can be sure the older one knows, they have this sex sensor that works in a fifty mile radius......alarms start ringing in their heads....and a loud voice shouts..."Mom and Dad are thinking about nooky....must destroy, DESTROY...DESTROY"

      Just wait though, we'll get our own back when they are older, and go to stay with them for extended periods. Teehee

  6. "I heard a noise"--perfect. :D

  7. I hear you. Last week we were interrupted three times one night and finally gave up. We have a house full of kids and it is a challenge for sure. And summer will be worse with no school. Sigh.

    1. <> oh, the holidays...I forgot about that...no bedtime routine...no empty house during the day....Thanks Normandie :D