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Wednesday 28 May 2014

Spanking Romance Reviews Round Table Discussion The Vanilla Spouse


Many thanks to Katherine Deane and Spanking Romance Reviews for hosting this discussion

Vanilla, to some it should only be served from the freezer as desert :D

I seriously battled whether I should join it or not because it is one of those topics that really sets me mouthing off! 

Why? Because every time I see expressions along the lines of "you can never change a vanilla" it makes me cringe.

Never is a mighty long time! And so fatalistic. And so not true! I will grant you, there may be some vanilla flavours that don’t lend themselves to a little added spice, but not all. Please take all that I say as being what works for me....everyone else must make their own choices in this life. 

Who is to say that just because your kink is not exactly the same as your partners that you can’t find middle ground? Or that you might not be opening them to a whole new world of pleasure? If we all believed you can never change a vanilla person, there are so many of us writers would never have come out to our partners. And that would mean that the divorce rate would be exceptionally high among kink writers.  

While many of the people I have come across say they had an idea of their fetishes from an early age, I think it’s fair enough to say, quite a few didn’t have the courage to confront their kink until much later and maybe many were already in relationships. I don’t think you have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Much of a successful relationship is about compromise and considering one anothers’ needs. This is just as true in the bedroom as the kitchen, or the living room. Love and respect so often leads to a mutual desire to please.

If you happen to share the kink, then it’s great, but what if your partners isn’t quite as vanilla and has a different kink? Or is totally vanilla? Role play has its place, it might not be the full D/s you had in mind, but it can bring some satisfaction. Your scene today/ theirs tomorrow perhaps?  There is a strong probability that you might find a way forward. But it takes courage, from you to confront it, and from your partner to try it. It also takes a MASSIVE amount of self-confidence, you know you could be exposing yourself to a ridicule and scorn. Or you could be about to scare the pants off your partner, and not in a kinky way. But you owe it to them.

If you are already in a relationship, surely they are entitled to know all of you? Not just the “nice” parts? And how can you do them justice if you don’t give them the benefit of trusting them. You may well be very pleasantly surprised.

I am not for one minute suggesting that  it’s always possible to reach a solution. But I do definitely argue that you can change a vanilla, if they are willing to taste a new flavour! If you are in a serious relationship, chances are you will both want to make one another happy. Maybe that can't work for every couple. If that is the case I really do sympathise, but at least you will have given it a shot.

So if your partner really can’t deal with it, do you look elsewhere? Well, to me that depends on the relationship you have. In a genuine open relationship, where you can be honest with one another,  that's cool. Not a problem, you discuss the whole issue, and decide how you get your needs met. You let your partner know what’s going on, you might even discuss how it went, if it was all that you expected.

 But if it’s not a totally open relationship then what? I would have to say go with your conscience. You may have a heavyweight balancing act on your shoulders as you work out your needs versus your partner’s needs.
Should you have to deny what you are? No you shouldn’t.
But neither should your partner think you are one person, while there is another you, living a double life. Talking is vital.
What if you just go ahead and get your needs met elsewhere and then they find out? I think in that situation there is a strong chance you would end up kissing goodbye to your relationship.  

I admit to being sexually jealous, which is odd as I am not normally a jealous person at all. I know that if I found out that I was sharing my partner, because of some particular tendency he has and was afraid to share it with me, I would be RAGING, partly because he didn’t trust me enough to at least give me a chance to try to work something out, but also because I just don't want to share, any part of him!

But if he had a kink I absolutely couldn’t partake in and he asked my blessing to look elsewhere, would I give it? I really hope I never have to find out. 

When you come to the end of your days, wouldn't you rather think you embraced everything life had to offer, than you had turned a blind eye, and let life pass you by?

Everything above is my sentiments on the subject only, not what suits other people. Each person has to embrace their own lives, and it's not my place to judge other peoples lives or choices without being privy to their circumstances and emotions. But it's also not my place to judge a "Vanilla" and assume that they might not go really well with mint chocolate sauce.

Thanks for joining me. Be sure to hook up with all the writers on the linky list to see what their views are.


  1. Great discussion. Lucky for me, I was one of the pleasantly surprised.

    1. Lucky for you indeed, Angie. Me too. Which is why I put forward this argument. Things are not always as cut and dried as they seem. Thank you for sharing your experience. It gives hope to others

  2. I ended up posting a big meow about kink and husbands, so it's out there now. Usually it's Jolynn's big long article.

    Yours is very good, and I did look for it when you hit publish the first time. ;)


    1. Thanks Kathy,
      I read yours - it was not a big meow. I thought it was pretty straight, it was your experience and you told it well.

  3. Love this! You're right, we've come at it from two different sides. That, to me, is one of the best things about the round table - so many different opinions. Keeps one's mind open up. I know I tend to see things from my own blinders :D

    You are also right in that a person has to give and take in a relationship and that it is likely that your kinks may not match.

    But the give and take can be fun. And sometimes you find out their kinks can become your kinks. :)

    1. Thanks Thianna,
      If you can compromise on kinks maybe you might even be able to compromise on who puts the thrash out!
      And double the kinks can be double the pleasure. But I do agree with you, if your basic needs are not being met, that is a real problem.

  4. I think you're the third post I'm reading and we're fairly similar in our thinking. I agree that if you don't talk about it, you'll never know. Takes courage but most things do. As far as what you do when your partner can't give what you need or want - agree whole heartedly that is individual for each person and you go with your conscience. I don't think the grass is greener but maybe there's a complimentary something that makes it enough - but to each that is unique. That's another thing about this community, to each his own and I've yet to meet a judgmental person who condemns this or that. That's probably one of the best things about this whole thing.

    1. Thanks Natasha,
      Yes, it was remarkable how many of the posts were quite similar, but I'm thinking it's because we all managed to find a way forward with our partners. Perhaps if we hadn't it would be a different story. Thankfully, we don't have to find out!

  5. You definitely can change Vanilla!! I love that. And I agree once we share our interests with the spouse there is really nothing that mine could tell me that I wouldn't kill myself to do to make him happy. It is worth the risk and embarrassment, I recommend that everyone open up with their kinks

    1. Thank you Megan.
      LOL, I like vanilla that gets saucier by the day :D And I concur about it being worth the risk, no matter how many deaths you die as you first squeeze out those words, or how long it takes to get it right.

  6. Great post Tara. If you have a good relationship compromise can usually help you find middle ground.

    1. Thanks Normandie.
      Its like all things in a relationship, two have to be willing to give a little, and then both can win a lot.

  7. Such a pair we are :D I forget if you read/commented on my "there is no ALWAYS in BDSM" heh; it was my first thought reading your "NEVER can change a vanilla."

  8. You are completely right that any good relationship needs to have communication and give and take-- in all places, not just the bedroom.

    I think you are right in that you will never know if you never ask. And if you are at a place where you feel like the kink you possess is a big enough deal that you would seek someone outside of your relationship to fulfill then you owe it to your partner to be honest about it first.

    I enjoyed reading your thoughts, and I agree with everything you said.