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Tuesday 10 June 2014

#SpankingA2Z I is for Intimate

A2Z-Logo--C1I is for Intimate

Intimate – now there is a word. My Chambers Dictionary defines it as this:
1 Adj: innermost; internal; close; deep-seated; private; personal; closely acquainted; familiar; in a sexual relationship; engaging in sex; encouraging informality and closer personal relations through smallness, exclusiveness.
I guess you could say it’s a pretty broad ranging word in one way.  I have a fair number of pretty intimate friends. Some go right back to my school days. More I have met along the road of life and even more I have lately met and become intimate with through as we met on our writing journey.
But is it essential to have an intimate friendship to have intimate relations? For some yes, for some no.  I have a friend who enjoys what she calls “Stranger Sex” and finds that the hardest thing about the fact that she is now in a committed relationship. She misses the thrill of going out and picking up a stranger and going to bed with them. She enjoys the intimate act without the complications of a relationship.
I’ve always been the opposite, I have to be intimately close with someone first – my brain has to be in the right space before my body will react. No matter how bloody drop dead gorgeous someone is, a sex-on-legs-Adonis nothing will convince my body to melt unless my head and heart have first. That will even stretch to having to be in a good headspace in my marriage. If we’re arguing there is no way in hell I’m putting out. The argument has to be resolved first. No angry sex for me. Nuh uh. Not my thing. Some will tell me I’m missing out there, that they really enjoy a good angry fuck, and often it will put them in the right frame of mind to resolve the argument.
For some sexual intimacy can only be with one person at any given time – or a monogamous relationship. For others, they do not feel sexual jealousy and have plenty of love and affection to go around and are more comfortable with a polyamorous set up. They can be or maybe even need to be physically and emotionally intimate with more than one person. Is that intimacy any less because it’s not exclusive to one person? I don’t think it is. Intimacy doesn’t demand exclusivity, just a close relationship.
And in the world of multiple relationships, polyamory is to monogamy as perhaps swinging is to stranger sex.  Polyamory implies intimacy on much, much more than a physical level.
Then there is another level of intimacy again. A dom. To sub, you have to trust your Dom has at very least your health and well-being at heart. Some may have intimate relationships with their Dom on a personal level, some may not. How do you learn to trust a dominant if you don’t know them outside their dominant role? Do they know what you can handle? How do they get to know what is good for you, as well as go with what is good for them? There are rules and guidelines and limits, I know that. And of course safewords. But still, to trust someone to bind you, punish you and bring you to the extremes of pleasure and pain, and to give oneself over to it completely, there has to be some form of intimate communication, even if it’s only around the oh so very intimate act.

I am curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this apparently simple little word that for me, opens a minefield of questions. 

Many thanks to Celeste Jones and Spanking Romance Reviews for hosting this challenge.

Thanks for popping by. Please say hello, share a virtual cuppa and drop in on the neighbours in the links below.


  1. It will probably not come as a surprise to you that yours truly, the incurable romantic needs to love, really love a woman first before there can be such a thing like sex and giving and taking control. When I begin a commitment, like a marriage or a stupid challenge, I am committed. I feel committed. I need feel it back as well, emotionally that is.

    I was raised liberated, each to his or her own. Poly and all that comes after that, is that is for you, fine! One night stand, girl as long as you are happy (and careful), fine! Doms and subs with contracts, fine! If you love and feel loved be my guest.

    But it's not me, Tara. I need the 1 on 1 connection, the trust, the bond, the feelings. For what would I be without my loved one?
    Is that an answer to your question? I really like your posts Tara.

    1. That does answer my question, thoughtfully and beautifully. I agree to each his, or her own. But it is important that each find and recognise what it is in their lives that will bring them fulfillment, and live true to that, while still respecting the needs of those they are intimate with, in whichever sense of the word.
      Thank you Han. :)

  2. I like the point about Dom/Sub: my wife and I have two safewords. One for "STOPPPPP" and one "SLOW DOWN" and/or "Can we please discuss before continuing!"

    It helps us ;-)

    And my wife and I were in love before we had sex for the first time.

    John (aka BawdyBloke)

    1. LOL, John. They are as good safe-words as any!